Losing Myself: My Path Back

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It’s been a long time.

When I first started this blog, I had the best of intentions. I wanted to create a place where people who were beginning their spiritual journey or were already embarking on their personal path could find a sense of understanding, community, and information to help guide them. As for myself, I was doing great with my craft. I had never been more connected to nature, the universal energies, and the people around me. Mostly, I had a strong sense of who I was and what I was meant to be doing. Certainly, there were times I felt blocked or not as productive as I could be, but that’s human nature. We can’t expect every day to be a good day.

But I fell into a trap. I found a job that was meant to be part-time so I could focus on growing HeCrafte not only as a blog but as a Spirit Shop. Additionally, I wanted to focus on my art and my writing. However, as can happen, and as I am sure many of you can relate to, I failed to establish boundaries. I gave more and more of myself to my job, turning it into a full-time management position. And in the midst of all of this, I was involved in a major car accident. The details of which I cannot discuss in length just now, however, I can at least say that my failure to put myself first ultimately harmed not only my physical self but my mental state and spiritual wellbeing. I continued to work hard, telling myself that I would eventually get back to it. I would ground, meditate, return to my Reiki practice, and get back on track.

But that didn’t happen.

I broke.

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And when I broke, I broke hard. I spent so long existing in a fog. Feeling disconnected from the world around me. I was going through the motions of being okay, but I wasn’t. My anxiety worsened, I was having panic attacks almost daily, and then finally, I hit rock bottom. I was in so much pain, feeling so much fear, and I was tired. One more catastrophe was all it took to push me over the edge, and that came when I fell victim to a scam. I kept asking myself, “how could I have allowed this?” I thought it would never happen to me. I was too careful. But, the reality was, that I was so desperate to remove myself from my current situation that I blindly walked into a worse one. I wanted it to go away. To be over.

Fortunately, I have an amazing support system. Through my family and my friends, I realized what needed to change was my approach. I made the mistake of putting my career over my passion. My happiness. So I left. I had to. I walked away from my position without a safety net. I don’t have another job lined up just now, and frankly, it might be a while before I think about the next step in my career. I know this: I can never allow myself to get to that point again. I have to establish boundaries. And most importantly, I have to reconnect with my spiritual self.

It is difficult in this world we live in. It seems no matter where we turn, there is tragedy and catastrophe. We are all fatigued from the unprecedented perpetual events that keep happening. Some of us are wearier from it than others, but that doesn’t diminish anyone’s struggle. It has been hard. And if you have been feeling disconnected, anxious, angry, or not yourself, then understand that this is a completely normal reaction to all the crap that is constantly being thrown at you. Maybe your job is pushing you to the limit, or you are finding it impossible to find a healthy work-life balance. Maybe it doesn’t pay you enough to get by. It is impossible to focus on your spiritual self when you have no choice but to worry about your survival.

But if you can, take a step back. Examine who you are, where you are, and how you got there. It is not the time to regret the past, but to learn from it. And as we get older, the lessons can become harder, but it is precisely those lessons that continue to shape us. We have to honor our experiences, good and bad, and learn that there is more to who we are. Your happiness matters. Your passions matter. The truth is, if you cannot find a moment to appreciate these things, the moment will find you whether you are ready for it or not.

I realize it is easier said than done.

I don’t expect my own path back to my craft to be simple. I am still exhausted, still in pain, and now trying to reconcile with the new world I have stepped into. But I am determined to find my way back to that surety I felt before. It will require an abundance of patience, learning to love myself again, and striking a balance between what I want to do and what I must do. As I begin this new journey, I hope to rekindle the spark of HeCrafte. To share my experiences and to offer the community I always strove to create here. For those of you who have found yourselves lost, trying to find your way back, or trying to find a new way, you are not alone, and you are always welcome here.

Be well and Blessed Be.

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